If I was a color

Why do I feel as though I am not good enough. Why does no one see that I am good enough. Blue is not the best color to be but I am not sure what other color best suits me. I have never been so rejected in my life. It has not hurt this much in so long. I am not quite sure how to handle the pain. I know what not to do despite the scenario that keep whirling around in my mind. Is it wrong to just wish to go to sleep and not awaken.

All it took was a dance!!!

The most unbelievable thing happened last night. My husband asked me to dance at a function. (you have to realize I think we may have shared one dance since we have been married) Were not talking just once but 3 times total! Even though I was mad at him for something seemingly simple... his looking into my eyes with such adoration and love I couldn't stay mad. I felt special again! Felt important to him. Felt like I mattered. Deep down I know he loves me.

This could have been the single best thing that has happened to our relationship as of late.
If only this was a more regular thing. Was it the alcohol talking, or the fact that it was a wedding reception? Could it have been the song that made him think of me? It was a country song (my preferable genre of music)

Guess I shouldn't look this gift horse in the mouth but just remember he does love me and hopefully he has learned he needs to show it a bit more then once every few years!!!

Well that is all for now very quick and impromptu.

42 the eternal answer

The questions we can never find the answer for unless we dig deep inside ourselves. Where do u find the clarity, When you feel unworthy? When the one thing you want seems elusive. Why can I not just be happy? I have a man who loves me. Just poor at showing it. My head knows it, my heart however is still searching. I'm so lost. Do I stay? Do I go? Did I make the biggest mistake of my life? Please take this from me. Provide me with the answer. 42 doesn't seem to be working for me. I cannot deal with this anymore.

Defective

Defective by definition:

1. Having an imperfection or malformation.

2. Lacking or deficient in some physical or mental function.

That's how I feel. Defective

What started as a joke has turned into a regular state of my feelings at times. Most would say I'm not defective. I don't appear or look defective. It's not appearances though. It's how I feel inside. Deep down. Have you ever known what it is like to not feel right in your own skin? I'm not quite sure how to explain the feeling. No one is afraid of me. I don't get stared at. I tend to just blend into a crowd. I seem nice but not someone people want to get to know. Do they know I'm defective?

a year past

I have been doing a lot of thinking. What am I looking for? Can I find it within me? I have obviously had some traffic which I never expected to have and although this in not for anyone but me to capture my thoughts and take a look back on me. It kinda prompted me to write this.

Life what does it mean to us, and what's a year I'm older but wiser? To be honest I still feel lost. I think about what I'm missing but I stop short of considering what I have.

What am I looking for, searching for:

1. An attentive partner who loves me unconditionally. Someone to share not only my hopes and dreams but my sorrows and to do so with love and comfort. Someone who makes me weak in the knees 20 years later. Someone who helps me to live my full potential even if I do not see it. A partner who is romantic, but still can make me laugh. Strong enough to put up with me no matter what I throw at him. Challenge me to be a better person with encouragement and never ending support. Accept my faults (cuz I sure as hell have lots). Sounds like a tall list that seems unfillable. There has to me more but for the life of me I cannot thing of everything. Geez!

What I have.

1. A husband who has only inspired me to be what he needed. Who has taken my energy to build his own. Has weakened not only my value in myself but my spirit. Of course this was all unintentional. He has needed more support from his strong wife. The price tag however has been great.

2. A home I never thought was possible. It's no castle but who can complain. (I'd need a maid and a gardener if it was a castle anyway)

3. An unfulfilling job. Does 15 years experience mean nothing? Apparently so!


Done for tonight!

I forgot i also want someone to rock my world at least daily. :)

Merry Christmas to All

Merry Christmas to All and to all a good night! Hope the New Year brings every joy in the world to you as you wish it.

Thanksgiving in retrospect

Today was Thanksgiving in Canada, But for this American transplant it seem so weird luckily I will be able to spend Thanksgiving in the states this year. I so need a trip home. It has been over a year since I have been here. What am I thankful for? What should I be thankful for? My health...... Well that has improved with not working. Or has it? I am more dependent than I have ever been in my life. Is that good for my psyche? I have a wonderful husband...... Yes my hubby is a wonderful man but he is without flaws (some of which drive me nuts). Having a new family..... Well in a previous post I mentioned the disappointment of new said family. They can do some very wonderful things however. I am going through a serious period of really trying to figure out who I am. You would think being in my 30 sometimes I would know that already. Hence I don't!!!
I have a lot going through my head. Children...Am I destined to be childless? I just want an answer so I can go on with my life and accept the inevitable. What do I want to be when I grow up? I think of all these things I want to do but the thought of going to school scares the ever living crap out of me. Who wants to sit in a class with 18-21 yr olds when they look at you in almost a mom sense and you feel like a mom without the children. I would love to start my own business. But how? Where do I start? What do I do? I don't have the 1st clue about it. Doesn't it take money? Hello penniless?????? What are you thinking. How could you do that? Your f'd up. I need to move past the ghosts from my past that make me so negative and embrace the good in me. (there is good in there somewhere there has too be?) Why have I not made friends here? What is so not likeable about me that people don't wish to spend time with me unless they are old enough to be my mom or dad?

Ok enough rambling no one is reading this anyway hence no comments from random
people wandering through.