Defective

Defective by definition:

1. Having an imperfection or malformation.

2. Lacking or deficient in some physical or mental function.

That's how I feel. Defective

What started as a joke has turned into a regular state of my feelings at times. Most would say I'm not defective. I don't appear or look defective. It's not appearances though. It's how I feel inside. Deep down. Have you ever known what it is like to not feel right in your own skin? I'm not quite sure how to explain the feeling. No one is afraid of me. I don't get stared at. I tend to just blend into a crowd. I seem nice but not someone people want to get to know. Do they know I'm defective?

a year past

I have been doing a lot of thinking. What am I looking for? Can I find it within me? I have obviously had some traffic which I never expected to have and although this in not for anyone but me to capture my thoughts and take a look back on me. It kinda prompted me to write this.

Life what does it mean to us, and what's a year I'm older but wiser? To be honest I still feel lost. I think about what I'm missing but I stop short of considering what I have.

What am I looking for, searching for:

1. An attentive partner who loves me unconditionally. Someone to share not only my hopes and dreams but my sorrows and to do so with love and comfort. Someone who makes me weak in the knees 20 years later. Someone who helps me to live my full potential even if I do not see it. A partner who is romantic, but still can make me laugh. Strong enough to put up with me no matter what I throw at him. Challenge me to be a better person with encouragement and never ending support. Accept my faults (cuz I sure as hell have lots). Sounds like a tall list that seems unfillable. There has to me more but for the life of me I cannot thing of everything. Geez!

What I have.

1. A husband who has only inspired me to be what he needed. Who has taken my energy to build his own. Has weakened not only my value in myself but my spirit. Of course this was all unintentional. He has needed more support from his strong wife. The price tag however has been great.

2. A home I never thought was possible. It's no castle but who can complain. (I'd need a maid and a gardener if it was a castle anyway)

3. An unfulfilling job. Does 15 years experience mean nothing? Apparently so!


Done for tonight!

I forgot i also want someone to rock my world at least daily. :)